Managing Myself - Day 1 of Habits by Practise

Today is the 28th of July 2024.

A lifetime has gone by and I want to experience life in a pure way - not distilled and filtered by fear, insecurity. Living life so that other people would be happy with me and in the bargain forgetting who I was , wanted to be. I want to have the mindset of hope, happiness and abandon - all that I had when I just stepped into my teens.

So this is the day I start . Today is Day 1 and I will practice my way to happiness and peace.

Today I will not have dinner, since I don't feel hungry. Today I will organize my cosmetics and clean my cupboard, without the demon of desperation and laziness asking me to lol around instead. I recognize that the desperation is because, I don't feel I deserve a good organized cabinet, but yet I wished I did.

I will read what I have to with a clear mind for tomorrow and bring up clear minded questions.

And because I dont want to keep loading myself like I usually do, setting myself up for failure, I will stop making this list. That is all I need to do today. And plan the right meal for myself.

No gadgets today and I need to be tired to sleep like a log, so I may take my lazy ass for a walk.

Beautiful Life

Today, being the seeker that I am, I turned to Google to find out how to live with absolutely no fear. I had just gone through a lot of restlessness, because of a presentation I had to make! And I did not know why I feared presenting to an audience so much!

I found J Krishnamoorthi' s You Tube discourses on this topic! I was introduced to the way he thinks, how humble he is and the huge impact he made!

I feel like I almost understood what he said . I hope I carry those learnings as I navigate the next few weeks and months of stress filled office work.

But this post is more about what I stumbled upon. I read the eBook, 'Walking With Krishnamurti'. I read about the beautiful friendship between Nandini Mehta and J Krishnamoorthi.

The book took me to an era and society, I never knew of, before. The rich and the upper class, of the early 20th century - 1915 to 1960 or so.

Somehow the book and the story of Nandini Mehta is intriguing and real! Her charmed childhood, her starkly horrible marriage into a well to do family, her nurturing nature, her courage and the impact that J Krishnamoorthi's teachings had on her, took me, to a time long back, but yet, not so much different from now!

The story of a n exquisitely beautiful woman , who, for God knows what reason tolerated, what her innermost being revolted against, silently, for years and then walked out to live a tough, but independent life! All in the background of one of the world's greatest philosophers offering her friendship and guidance! What a scandal it must have been then and would have been even now!

All the same a wholly believable, real story of a life, lived, completely!

What a life! What a time! What characters!

The Girl Within

It is close to 3.00 AM. I haven't slept yet. What a day! They say there is magic in the day at 4.00 AM. I was awake yesterday all night and at 4.00 AM , if there was magic, it was in me.

I witnessed for myself how if I wanted to do something I would. After an all night work related call, I was about to crash into bed at 4.00 AM . The kitchen was dirty and I wanted to leave the task of cleaning up the kitchen and opening the door for the cook at 6.30 AM to my husband.

Something in me made me decide, that today, I would not crash. I would face up to my responsibilities. I cleaned the kitchen, made a special sandwich for my daughter, took a great bath and waited for the cook to turn up.

Felt Good! I watched the dawn arrive and the sun rise. Something keeps telling me that the 'time now is short'. What does that mean I wonder! I have a keen sense of everything having moved too fast.

Was I just yesterday a beautiful, nubile girl of sixteen? Hopeful and earnest. But today I stand, not so tall, not so bright as I had imagined back then.

As I watched the sun rise, I realized that all of us carry an essential part of ourselves intact into our middle age. We just have to be quiet, watch the sun rise and meet ourselves once again.

The Lost Cause

I worked hard to become who I was destined to be.
And reached where I am  -staring at a dead-end that won't give.
I scream that this is not what I want
But too much has happened and there can be no reparation.
There is not much time with me now.
Nothing that I can now become.
So I look at every second in this short time.
Looking for lost dignity, looking for the lost me.
Something laughs and says lose yourself too
And submit to a lightness of being.
Be happy.

He did not know he was abandoned?

I saw this cute white dog. A lean, graceful dog, completely white apart from two black stripes - like artwork near his neck.

 He trotted from one place to another gracefully. 

I love animals from the time I adopted a stray cat. Before that, most animals gave me the creeps. And I could not understand people who spoke of their pets, like, as if , they were children. Now, I do that too. I hug, kiss and fondle my cat and would give my life for her.

Anyway I saw this dog at the signal, near High Grounds Police station and I peered out of my auto. I wondered who he was, what was his life story. He had just stopped being a puppy and he looked happy. He had this happy, expectant look in his eyes and looked as if he was smiling. 

I saw all of a sudden, that he wore a nice collar. And he was out in the rain! Which means he must have been abandoned. He did not look lost. He looked as if he had spent a day or two out on the road. Perhaps he was recently abandoned. And the poor dear was yet to realize it or fully accept or understand it.

Happily scampering around , agreeing well with this new found freedom. Not yet hungry and not yet cold. Probably expecting his master to come up anytime to him to say 'Enough buddy, let's go home now'.

I wish someone else finds him and adopts him and loves him silly. For him it won't be the same. He will keep wondering about his old master. But better a new master than a cruel, hungry, diseased existence on the road, wondering why his life turned miserable.

What do we humans care anyway?

What this blog would be about

This blog is about all the people I meet and what I think of them. How they seem to me. I live in Bangalore and I am very interested in people. I keep trying to figure them out. What could their day have been like. I like people who are happy and chatty. I chat with them a lot. So many, open up. I speak to almost anyone. Sometimes I don't speak to them, I just observe them and through their clothes, expressions, through conversations they may be having on their cell ( I overhear these conversations) - I try to guess the story of their lives.

The blog may not just be about people . It could be anything I see on the streets.

 

Maybe I will sometimes post a picture or two.Hope I am eventually able, to write stuff, that people come and read and feel interested in.

Auto on a rainy day

What is with the all the thunder @Bangalore past few weeks. Why such loud thunder? 

Today I took an auto from Malleswaram to Indiranagar. The auto driver drove like he was crazy. I grit my teeth and left it to destiny. If I was destined to live I would!  He weaved in and out of crazy traffic. We got in between ruffian lorries and dangerous inter state buses. I was on edge, but the auto driver looked unperturbed , almost bored! A three wheeler can easily topple and most young men who drive these, seem to be pushing the autos to the limits, as if they don't care for their life.

 I once spoke to an auto driver who said that his life is no better than a dog's.

Auto drivers are so rude. However nice you are to them, most of them are rude. Also strangely,  if you speak to them in Kannada , they are usually more rude to you than if you speak to them in Hindi. So, I usually stick to Hindi.

The auto driver  today, was young and he wore a good jacket. You know these days, they sell all kinds of export rejects/used stuff whatever. I paid him a whole lot extra than what he asked for. Cause it was raining heavily and it was miserable weather.

I asked him when he was likely to wind up for the day. I like to know such things about people. He said 1.00 am! Who would go around in an auto at 1.00 am? People who have some emergency or the other. So probably he waits around for people to have some emergency and makes his money off them?

Or maybe I am wrong. He drives home people who party till late night. Today being a Friday and all...